Would you like some creamer in your coffee?

From: Tom
To: EVERYONE

Subject: Break room cleanliness

Attention all AIDS Staff -

Yesterday, the custodians informed me that there was an unidentified white substance on the break room table. From what they're telling me, it smelled like bleach and had the consistency of slime, which leads me to believe that someone has been masturbating in the break room. I hate to be one of those managers that complains about everything, but masturbation at work is completely unacceptable. I mean, at least go in the washroom or something. In any case, break room privileges have been revoked for the week, unless someone would like to confess to doing this.

Tom Jones

From: Joe
To: Tom

Subject: RE: Break room cleanliness

Why do you sign your emails? It already says who it's from.

From: Gareth
To: Chris, Andy, Joe

Subject: Tom's bitch fit

I paid a homeless guy to wank in the break room. Best £5 I ever spent just because of Tom's email. "Masturbation at work is completely unacceptable" my ass.